THINK Tuesday

I asked my colleagues at the faculty research office yesterday - Monday morning:
" I hope you all don't mind if I tidy up the office, is that OK?"
They all unanimously agreed, with a wisp of laughter in the room.
" Go ahead, it's about time" one of them said.

I got the consensus of 7 out of 9 people that I share the office space with.
I haven't met the other 2 for the past 3 weeks. I don't know if they work at night or weekends, but one of the PhD mentioned there's one of them that likes to feel at "home" in the office.
I wonder what their home looks like if the office is in its current state.

I developed a plan of getting rid of the unused furniture and spare chairs, and transform the common space into a welcoming reception area. It was a dumping ground of faulty electronics, broken book shelves and unloved utensils. There was a " cat lady lives here" mug, and no one in the room wants to admit its theirs.

It was timely when one of my supervisors popped in for a visit, and helped me out to locate some "decent" chairs and a coffee table.

Today, it was all "go" when I got in at 10 am. I began to clean the clutter, put away the- cups, endless supplies of tea bags, jars of decaffeinated coffee and loads of 'past by their sale by date' bottled drinks and packets of soups. It all went happily in the bin, and the rest out of sight in boxes.
It was liberating to clear it all. The view from my workstation was like someone else's exposed cupboard. Definitely not mine as I don't eat soups in a packet.

"If I dedicate myself 5 days a week in this office, at least I have to like what I see, things are in order."

I laughed at myself, as I hope I am not making a negative impression. I fear people would think I have an obsessive compulsive disorder or a controlling personality.
It's just I can be meticulous at certain things.
For the past 8 years, I have maintained an organised well run clinic department in my old workplace.
I have set standards, and I begrudge myself if I let cleanliness and orderliness mislay.

I suppose when we get older, we become less tolerant of situations that doesn't serve our ethos. Especially when it comes to professionalism and our working environments.

As the day went on, conversations flow with everyone (4 of us) present in the room ...

The morning started with affirmations and mindsets. Followed by swingers, and attitudes towards sex. Lunchtime was about Brexit, and afternoon topic was the NHS.

I managed to engage with heated discussions on the politics side of things and opinion of a failing unsustainable healthcare system in the UK.
These conversations were done in between my literature reviews and searching databases.

There were differences in opinion. I felt some of the words I said may have impacted a colleague on a personal level. Especially when personal circumstances or experiences with their family members were mentioned.

I should have known, "Discuss politics in polite company".
I hope my colleague will abide to Thomas Jefferson's quote of " Never consider a difference in opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy as a cause of  withdrawing from a friend." Or withdrawing from a new colleague in my situation.

" All debates are healthy", one of my senior colleague reassured me. I was a bit worried, as sometimes, I can come across of being too opinionated.

As I end my day, the bus journey home gave a me chance to reflect on things...

Firstly, settling in at work requires a sensitive approach to people. In order to have positive working culture, it is important to get a long civilly, professionally and develop understanding of individual personalities and the office dynamics.I need to slow down and take my time to establish trust and working relationships.

Secondly, I need to remind myself of THINK before I speak...

Not all opinions need to be expressed or said, if it will hurt others.

After all, kindness is all that matters in our current world of conflict, increasing differences and widening beliefs.


*Update: Wednesday Morning

My colleague was just as worried, that I might not come in the next day due to yesterdays' debate.

After a morning greeting, followed by a handshake and a hug. All's well ends well.

This made me smile.

Of paradox and oxymoron

It has been a productive week so far. My week diary has been filled. I refrain from using the word "busy". I think people nowadays are "busy bragging "on how busy they are. As if being busy leads to an interesting life or a social status. So I'll refrain from being busy as I am settling in, still in transition phase, but I am slowly finding my routine.

I have met a number of academics and researchers this week. People with varied backgrounds and personalities. People always interest me, I am lovingly observing them during our interactions.

Also, I'm beginning to find my sense of self and belongingness in the university.

I have participated in postgrad researcher skills workshops. It was very much needed as I begin to take practical steps on how to equip myself with the resources and abilities I need to start with my doctoral research.

In summary, these are the highlights of my week...

Monday- Sorry Not Sorry

I have completed Ethics module first thing I got into my work station. The faculty research office was swamped, about five people were in their desks. The conversations were non-stop, and people were coming in and out the door.

I put my headphones on, tried to ignore everyone's business for almost 3 hours. Completed the module and said hello to them after. I apologised if they felt I was ignoring them, actually I was.
I needed to complete the deadline I set to myself.

I suppose it is a British thing, a penchant for pardon. "Sorry" goes too far in The UK, an overused expression. People say sorry about the weather, when they get sick or say sorry on almost everything they can think of to keep the conversation going.

 "My sorry wasn't a compliance of guilt, but a recognition of an inconvenient situation. "

Tuesday- Voice No Voice

I had a full supervisory team meeting. As always, I find it a joy to exchange views and collaborate with my supervisors. Now, I need to complete an essay due in a fortnight. I need to answer my thoughts: "Is there a voice that hasn't been heard, or there's no voice at all."

Wednesday- Paper no Paper

A morning introduction to Sage Methods with exploration of online journals, and an afternoon of further literature review including a trip to the library to borrow old fashioned books.

The challenge now is how to use both resources, and put a system in place for all my references. Although, there's an increasing tendency of accessing the newest materials in the virtual world, I can't let go of holding that piece of knowledge with my bare hands in my physical world. 

" How can they call it paper [online] , when it is not made of wood, grass or leaves?"

Thursday- Searching the researcher within

I had a full day of workshops with the morning session of Effective Researcher- Getting started with research, ended with the afternoon of Strategic Searching for Researchers.

The morning event was more like a follow up of induction, we got to evaluate our individual skills and attributes, further there were advice on strategies adhering to Vitae Researcher Development Framework on how to develop researcher aptitudes and ambitions.

I thoroughly enjoyed the session, I met a group of PhD candidates from different disciplines and we got involved in conversations and group activities. I find some of the research topics interesting- From engaging refugees to theatre drama to the history of drag queens. People are really interesting.

There were two tasks that I think I highlighted my personal strengths and attributes. A self analysis.

Firstly, there were set of photographs in the table and we were asked to chose one that best describe our current PhD journey. I took the "footprint in the sand", and we have to share our photo voice.

I didn't hesitate to recite one of my favourite poems that resonates my current quandary.

Along the lines from the Psalm of Life by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow...

" Lives of great men, all remind us,

  We can make our lives sublime.

  Departing soon leave behind us,

  Footprints in the sands of time...

   Let us then, be up and awake,

   With heart of any fate,

   Still achieving, still pursuing,

   Learn to labour, and to wait. "

A few people in the room approached me and commended that they were impressed, another person said I was eloquent, while an international student remarked " Are you Asian? Why do you speak English so well? "

Secondly, we were divided into four groups to complete an activity of making an air vehicle out of paper and straws powered by a hair dryer. It was a competition on which group can invent this and can move it with the farthest distance.

I was so persistent to win this task. Although, I am rubbish with DIY "Do It Yourself", and no engineering background, I am confident with the use of a hairdryer.

 I didn't give up, I was on the floor with my hands and knees trying to move that paper vehicle outstretching the capacity of the hair dryer. We won out of default as the other team was disqualified.

Regardless, our group won. 

We were asked in the end what we have learned from that activity.

I said : "Communication, alongside collaboration to get things done!"

Friday- End Note is Not the End

A timely way to end my week, with understanding the use of a software called End Note.

A tool to organise and put all my resources as I begin the task of writing.

The librarian compared End Note to a Marmite, either you'll love or hate it. 

I personally think it is more like butter, it adds a layer of flavour to your toast. 

"You can chose to have it, or not." 

Other things happened today include a fire alarm in the university, and everyone was asked to evacuate the building, we have to stand outside in the streets while they investigate the cause of siren reverberating loudly across the halls.

I got to chat to a PhD candidate who is working on a gorilla conservation (Bonobo) in the Democratic Republic of Congo. He wants to save lives of endangered animals in Africa, while we are in a danger of a potential fire.

And one of my supervisors dropped by my office and kindly gave me a book on: How to do Systematic Reviews, a perfect ending of my week, trying to figure out how to put a system in place of otherwise a hazy cloud full of literature and information. 

This sums up my week, of paradox and oxymoron.
This makes a lot of sense.

Ibiza

A hippie approached me when she saw me took time to smell, admire a yellow daisy, plucked and carried the flower around.

She said: "I should also do that, thanks for reminding me..of 'self-love'. We need it in our lives."
She soon found her flower, stuck in her hair, and she drifted, danced her way to the beach...

I got home last night after spending 5 days in Ibiza.
"You should be at the library studying!", a friend remarked after he saw an Instagram post.
I sent him a picture of the book I'm reading...

He laughed and said: "That's still beach bum."

I finished the book. It has some useful information. The emphasis is set on personal responsibility of achieving the work required to get a PhD. It was set in a language of expectations, also knowing where to find support from peer groups, external resources and supervisors.There is an insistence on the topic of 'feeling isolated'. I guess I have to get used to it, continue to stay focus and motivated.

It is very early days, I am sure there will be storms and breakdowns in the next 3 years. I should expect it.

But, I would like to reflect on that conversation by the beach about 'Self-love'.

The Oxford dictionary defined it as "regard for own well-being and happiness", while Justin Beiber wrote a song about a self-centred person should only "love yourself."
In Portrait of Self (2003), C. Sedikides and A.P. Gregg referred it as " a subjective appraisal, can be viewed in a positive or negative way."

From egotism to promoting mental health, whatever the school of thought. I think it is important to give love, time and attention to oneself.
I always believe, we cannot give what we don't have.
We cannot truly love others, if we don't have love within our own self.

After all, Plato's Apology stated: "An unexamined life is not worth living."

My trip to Ibiza is my self -love.
I shouldn't be guilty about it.

My Being and Nothingness

"I felt like I haven't done anything productive today..."
Aside from reading the modules and getting a grasp of the work required in the next few months to achieve PhD milestones, I haven't done anything concrete, tangible or completed.

Perhaps, all my working life as a clinician I am used to see immediate results. When I treat patients, I use outcome measures and record progress. I rely on objective measurements to justify my work and my time. This at the end of the day, I call work. I can physically see, experience and record what I have done to earn my position, value and wage. My contribution to the society.

One of the PhD candidate warned me, that the first few months will be a slow start. It has only been a couple of days and I am feeling inconsequential. He could have better described it as a "very very slooooow start." or I am just getting too impatient to get into the thick of it?

I know, people say "Make the most out of your downtime" or even I try to live the Italian way of "La dolce far niente"- the sweetness of doing nothing. But, at this moment these are uninvited feelings, unwarranted of my existence.

I turn to philosophy, when I can't be pacified by distraction, meditation or mindfulness.

I am defined by what I do. As Jean-Paul Sartre would account on "Being and Nothingness", This is my current predicament, my tragedy...

I am action-oriented, I seek meaning to what I call a productive day. I have this perpetual urge to fulfil what I expect of myself or others expectation of me- "My Being."
But, I struggle as I take this new path- my PhD journey, I now question my existence, devoid of physical actions and societal role. Who am I now? - "My Nothingness."

Sartre would argue that there are 'phenomena of being', and maybe this just a matter of emotional consciousness, and that is just how to describe my feeling today...

Socks

I hate ironing clothes. I only do this in weddings and funerals. For the past 8 years I was reliant to the lovely laundry ladies in my old workplace. I see them in the morning, give them a cheeky request, a big grin, sometimes I dance with them and then, they are happy to sort my clothes for the rest of the day.

I can't iron out the wrinkles from a shirt, I turn it to one side, then a new crease appears. It seemed to be a relentless task. I tried to get away with it, by putting a jumper on. But its not that time of the year yet.

I have to iron another shirt today, I have no choice. I just have to get used to it, or don't wear white shirts as the creases are too obvious.

There seems to have the unspoken rule of wearing shirts in the academia, and I think PhDs are no exemption. It appears to differentiate the undergraduate students from the faculty by the way they look. Things can be obvious with age among others, but this is not really applicable to me. Bartenders still ask for my ID, before serving me drinks and sometimes I have to prove my identity to get into adult clubs. I think I certainly look over 21, but I suppose when I go to the staff room later, I don't want to receive a "who are you, and what are you doing here-look", when it is my first day in the faculty building.

So, I wore another white shirt today, black fitted jeans (not skinny), dog-tooth patterned jacket, and black loafers with white ties. It was gloomy day forecast, so I wore yellow socks to represent the sun.

My plan today was to set up my desk and workstation. My supervisor was very thoughtful to provide some stationary, including a set of multi-coloured highlighter pens. I can't live without highlighters. Neon yellow is my favourite, other colours can play a supporting part.

I also brought my own stationary. They were colour coordinated with the theme of purple and silver stars. My file organisers, folders, desk planner and notebooks- everything is printed with "hopes, dreams and wishes."

I decided to get my computer wallpaper in sync too, "Believe in your dreams."

I'm getting "at home" with my new office. Now, I need a plant in a pot, maybe a better chair and nice things to look at. It's funny how our workstation is like the extension of home, of our comforts.
Just like what I discovered when I cleared the desk cabinets earlier, the previous occupant has left behind a jar of oil, green tea matcha powder, toilet roll and a pair of thin black socks. I can imagine that person appears to be current, likes to try new food trends and either has sweaty feet or wears worn-out shoes.

There was hardly anyone in our office today, I like silence when I am working. As I can only argue with my thoughts and don't want to be distracted by anyone else.

Later, I met another  PhD candidate, my neighbour. His desk is behind me, he was looking for his stuff as soon as he got in, I had to apologise as I store his box of clinical apparatus in the far corner of the room. He apologised back, as he said he aims to move it, as this was situated within my personal work space. To be honest I didn't know it was his, I thought it was from the person who left, and left their socks behind.

We engaged in conversations, the type of conversation that happens with people that we need to get-along. It was pleasant. He is on his second year, he told me about his study, his teaching subjects and field work. Then we moved on to personal interests. He is new to Liverpool. I asked him if he likes the city? He answered "Uhhmm, yes?!". I questioned the hesitation.
He said, he easily gets bored, he usually moves address every two years. Then he said, "I have no choice, maybe when the research project is over." He said he doesn't mind living in the city, but this soon quickly fades. He prefers the countryside.

He offered some practical advice, including help if I need any. That was kind of him. He also accounted the profile of other people that share in our room, including their work schedules and an overview of their research subjects. That was good to know. A room of diverse health science researchers.

He soon excused himself to eat his canned soup in a red plastic cup, he went to heat it up in the microwave located in the staff room. I carried on reading for sometime, until I realised it was almost 3pm, and my belly is still empty aside from the 3 cups of black coffee since this morning.  After sorting my workshop schedules and diary for the rest of the month, I took my lunch out of my holdall, and head to the staff room.

I met a few people there, all filling their cups with hot water. 3pm breaks I assume, all work place at this time of the day is busy. The time of the day teetering between "I need to finish deadlines or put it off until tomorrow". Caffeine and sugar become mid-afternoon saviours.
Like a new kid in the block, almost everyone I encountered asked my name and where I am based. I have to tell them the whole script. I have no choice, I couldn't escape them.

They seem interested, one was particularly intrigued with my packed lunch."That looks very healthy!"she said, then curiously asked: "What is it?"

I was particularly known for my odd food combination at my old workplace, so I think I have to get used to these questions again. I had broccoli, walnuts, lettuce, figs, linseed, mixed pulses and 2 boiled eggs in a plate. That was my choice.

As I end my day in my new workstation, I begin to wonder: "Does our daily lives hang on the equilibrium of choices?"

Situations that left me with no-choice: iron my clothes, clean other peoples' mess and explain my food.

Today, I chose to wear yellow socks.
I choose to believe in my dreams...

First day

My alarm was set at 7am, nothing different a month ago when I get up to work. It was strange to look forward to this day after a few weeks of lie in, of daily visits to coffee shops and  the only highlight of the day was a hot yoga session.

I was debating what to wear, I decided on a white polo shirt, it is always smart. My camel trench coat is perfect for this autumn weather. Brown leather shoes, of course to match a brown leather belt. I wore my pin stripped blue trousers and robot printed white socks to give away my personality.

My mum always said you can never be overdressed, and my grandmother believed that wearing good clothes sets you for a good day. I can always take advice from the two most influential women in my life.

After three cups of coffee at home, a backpack filled with a notebook, a 100ml bottle of perfume and few minutes of deciding how to wear my hair, I left the house to catch the 8am bus to town.

I got into town, and the next train to the university campus is still 20 minutes away, I decided to grab another coffee - a cold one. A treat, not my usual coffee of choice this time in the morning but I got a Starbucks Frappucino Caramel. After all, I might need the sugar rush as an extra pick me up.

I arrived in the campus at half 9, and greeted everyone with pleasantries. It was nice to be in a room of PhD candidates starting at the same pace, same academic year and more or less have the same questions and aspirations like me.

Everyone introduced themselves, and talked about their research plans and experience. I was impressed. Everyone spoke with clear passion of their projects, some out of frustration, some out of interest, but one thing is common: To make a difference and get that coveted PhD title.

Others ramble too much, I suppose it is their personal journey. I think, when I said my piece- it was concise and clear. Nobody interjected or followed up some questions after my speech.
I assumed, I was understood. One of the students remarked: "When you spoke, you were very sweet." I don't understand what she meant. But I took it as a complement.

The faculty research team were very helpful. They made the otherwise daunting induction day as comfortable and as relaxed as it can be. It also helped when there's overflowing coffee and posh biscuits in the room. I wasn't tempted though, if I give in to another coffee I will be bouncing up and down, doing cartwheels in that room. I just liked the idea they understood the importance of coffee.

There was a set programme of the day, basically to answer all those pending questions and practicalities of starting a PhD life. I was reassured.I took down notes, listened attentively and wrote my to-do lists.

There was a gourmet cold lunch, from wraps with mint hummus to lamb koftas. I liked the homemade sausage roll- it was cased in a buttery flakey pastry with the meat doesn't taste like nitrate (that preservative in processed stuff). I devoured as much as I can. It was my first meal of the day being on the intermittent fasting diet, so I have to get all my calories in the next 8 hours.

I was one of the first in the queue to grab a plate and head to the buffet table, alongside a vegan colleague . We scrutinised the sandwich fillings and I pointed out to her which is vegan or not. She was amused, I told her one of my best friend is vegan and I live with a vegetarian, so I can spot meat from a distance.

It was a networking lunch, and other people came to join in. I do like these type of lunches. It brings people together in a otherwise awkward room of complete strangers. People helped themselves with food, and I tried to chat along the way. 

The only thing about it is, the bothering thought to carry on a conversation when chewing on a watercress, I am overly conscious of a green leaf stuck in between my teeth. Nonetheless I carried on.

I noticed some people avoided eye contact and they stared at their food, I suppose it is a safe gesture to avoid talking and eating at the same time. I ate as quick as I can and walked around the room to introduce myself to the welcomed guests. I met a few PhD's in their final year, they gave me good advice. They were nice. They were hopeful.

One final year candidate commented that he felt under-dressed when he saw me in the room.
I laughed, he looked particularly nice- with his long swish back hair, designer stubble, black fitted jeans, blue eyes reflected in his blue denim jacket. I told him he shouldn't worry- as I wish I have his looks. He genuinely smiled, and I veered the topic to his study. He was doing qualitative research.  I praised and shared enthusiasm with him. He said "I knew you were a qual researcher, I can see it in your eyes". I didn't know what he meant.

After 3 more cups of coffee in between the afternoon session, the day ended with a question:

"What metaphor are you feeling right now?"

We didn't discussed our answers as we are short of time.

I walked out of the campus, cleared my head-space, visited my old workplace,got home at 8pm 

and decided to start this blog...

And answer that last question:

" I feel like a drifting stream, in disquiet contention
waiting for my fate, flow to that ocean of hope..."