The changing room

I have met a few PhDs in the yoga studio. I am amused by the number of PhDs going to yoga, we just never knew each other. There's no tell tale sign of a PhD look.
No one carries the "I am doing my PhD and I feel like a fraud" sign written all over their faces. Besides, everyone is rushing in before the class, to find their usual spot in the room, placing their yoga mats conveniently with adequate space to begin their stretching routine.
After practice, everyone is sweaty and tired in the hot room, people just avoid eye contact.
Yogis are meant to be calm, mindful and with that quiet collected look. So, nobody really engages in these small conversations.

And where do you find out if someone is doing a PhD?
In the changing room, half naked as people discuss their occupations while drying their toes or their body hair after a quick shower.
Behind the lockers, there's a certain type of honesty, a person is unguarded, open and vulnerable without their worldly covers.
People expose their raw skin, and often times their emotions too.

"It never goes away"...that "Imposter Syndrome." This has been the Wednesday topic with one of the PhDs that evening. He is on his final year, in fact, 2 months exactly until his scholarship money runs out. He told me his recurring thoughts for the past few weeks. I questioned him, as I pointed out his achievements of about to complete his thesis, obtain the "Doctor" title, currently working on a book chapter and a couple of publications under his name. Why does he still feel like a fraud?

"It is me that should feel like a fraud!"
The unworthy one, and this imposter syndrome has been lingering with me again lately.
Like an unwelcomed visitor, the impostorism is at it. Creeping into my sheets  before bed at night and the presence comes back in full force when I turned on my computer in the morning.

We both discussed our coping techniques and the strategies to overcome this.
He also told me of how he reminds himself of a quote from T.S. Elliot...

Something to reflect on, as we tend to lean with our emotions.
We agreed that sometimes just embracing this feeling and accepting the challenges of the present situation can be the first step of how to tackle this.
The very reason why we are doing a PhD... to achieve something beyond us, beyond our heights, pursuing and learning along the way.

We also both recognised being kind to ourselves can be a good reminder. Hastening the chattering thoughts we tell ourselves as we relentlessly question our capabilities, softening the cruel words we describe ourselves. It seems we can be too critical, believing that we could always do better. He also said, "imagine if what you are telling yourself you outspokenly said it to me, that's not very nice isn't? and more like bullying."

We talked for few more minutes, and by talking it out, we both agree it definitely feels better.
Talking therapy as they say, just vent it out, say it how you feel it, do not hold in to, and let go.

Similar to yoga, the more you hold on into something, the more it wont serve you...
Breathe it out.

Further, he showed me his journal where he scribbled his thoughts of that day, more like a reflection diary. I skimmed through the pages, not prying too much as I think it is too personal.
He has a nice handwriting, very legible.
I saw some days of achievements, of days not going well, of gratefulness and of hopes, some in bullet form, some in full sentences, mostly a cluster of words.
I think I should do that too. I know the purpose of this blog is quite similar, but I need to capture those thoughts at the time, in its unadulterated moment, thoughts in raw naked form.

We thanked each other for the time and eventually bid goodbye.
After all, by the time we finished talking we are fully dressed.
We need to resume to the lives that we wear.

I then realised, there are certain emotions, and feelings that never goes away...
Rather than dismiss or get too overwhelmed by it, leaning into it and being mindful of what is happening can be helpful.

Also, talking it out makes a big difference.
In the changing rooms...
making connections, understanding and sharing these unique experiences...
Of not just the stretch and postures of yoga, but our emotional PhD journey as well.

What happened in 6 months?

I should get back to writing, I always tell myself on a Friday evening for the "to do's" over the weekend. Of course, it never materialised. Days came to weeks, weeks turned to months, and next thing I know its been 6 months since I made my last entry.

So what happened?
Life sometimes just takes over, passes by and before we know it time has gone.

In a nutshell, I have sort of completed my tasks and timelines, and have just submitted my Annual Monitoring Form. The tick box exercise has been out of the way (for now), and the next step in the real bit (the research practical part), after all the paperwork been filed.

3 important things that have I learned in the past few months
(with the intention to separate these musings with the academic milestones)

1. DO NOT ever (ever) again , or try to (even) compare (again) your PhD journey with your colleagues.

I used to feel very insecure when I hear other PhD's talk about their science, the laboratory experiments and the sheer number of their research participants. The quantifiable data that they aim to produce, and every time I walk away from those conversations, I start questioning my research protocol and my qualitative approach ( Is my research worth pursuing? ). Of course, no matter how much people tell your value , despite being on a scholarship, and receiving accolades and with constant reassurance from supervisors and peers- these all seem useless. As my lack of confidence in this new territory falls blind and deaf, leaving me with no shield or armour of experience. Then, there comes the imposter syndrome. Which all then spiral downwards to my definition of self-worth. It is relentless and not helpful at all.

The truth is, all research is worth doing, and no PhD journey is the same. So, stop these self- limiting thoughts, and just carry-on.

2. STOP struggling, rather participate creatively.

The more I set myself with unachievable standards, the more my abilities tend to resist. The more I find myself struggling, I am stuck and not moving any forward. So then I realise, there is no point with all these self imposed hardship. Why cant I just be relaxed and calm about it. As my friend advised me: " you are getting paid to learn, try to at least enjoy the process". Rightly so, by creatively participating, I have noticed my mind is more engaging, more open as well as work seems to flow naturally. The stumbling blocks can be seen as challenges and triumphs when succeeded. Also, I have heard that age old comparisons; "The postgrad Master's degree is a sprint, the PhD is more like a marathon".
And in that case, I need to conserve each precious energy to sustain the long run. For the final years, where I will need the mental and physical endurance, the skill and knowledge to reach the finish line.

Also, I have noticed that one of the main reasons why I reluctantly update this blog is the pressure I put on to myself that it needs to be noteworthy of a read, grammatically sound, a piece of in-depth writing or at least with an interesting thought. Which defies the very reason of why I started this blog at the first place.

Now, I think I wouldn't care less with typos (at least try to edit) or content.
As long as I am writing, as long as I am thinking, as long as I am doing... I am creatively participating.

3. GOALS along the way.

It has been past 8 months, since I started my PhD and I still have more that 2 years left to complete.
The next short term goal is to undertake empirical research and embark on the practical world of data collection, not to mention the plan of publication along the way. Regardless, there are goals and signposts. Never lose sight of it and always have the mindset that each work contributes towards the final piece of work required to get the PhD (the ultimate thesis). I always remind myself that in the end, what matters the most is that piece of book where you wrote everything you did and documented what you have learned since day 1.
Since the journey is arduous and long, make those little goals achievable. Also, learn to celebrate those little successes along the way.


But, most of the time I still need to remind myself, and hopefully these thoughts won't just stay as thoughts.

I have started this page again, with a renewed enthusiasm. I really hope I get back into creative mode, getting used to writing thoughts down and let not another 6 months pass by (Fingers crossed!).

Of linear year and the porcupine dilemma

Now that the holidays are over, the Christmas pleasantries are done and the New Year resolutions are on the way of fulfilment or failure.  The next question is, what is next?

Majority of the people I know always look at life as a continuous cycle of years passing by, marked by the changing weather and the 12 months to live by. Perhaps, this gives a little bit of comfort, a sense of certainty of what we inherently know that life is but a constant change. I myself is being governed by the parameters of monthly celebrations, tempted visually by the decors in the shopping malls and the high street, with increasing emphasis on financial expenditure and relationships' vexation.

Such as acquaintances  break the January conversations of "Did you had a good Christmas?, What did you do on New Years Eve?" or the next February question "What are your plans for Valentines?", and as expected in the next few months " What are you doing this Easter?" and so it goes on. Then, this puts a predicament or pressure of making plans, doing something, or at least appear to portray that one has to live an interesting yet predictable life.

This made me to think how I view life as a cycle of years and celebrations going by, or to change this outlook as life in a rather linear direction. Where every year is a set of task and timelines to achieve a certain goal. Maybe, what goes on these thoughts has been influenced by my recent Gantt chart after the third draft of my research proposal. Nonetheless, it made the cogwheels back to writing mode outside the PhD realm of theorization.

One of my best friend recently remarked, I seem to act cautiously and sort of pessimistically begin to question things. His observation over the years, a change from my usual ever agreeable, happy go lucky, sociable character. He stated "I used to the pessimistic one, but it seems I passed these principles to you." I conceded and replied, " That's what I get by talking to you too often and spending a lot of time in your company". We agreed that there needs to be a shift of balance in relationships- let it be with friends, families or lovers. One has to take an emphatic window to view things from the others' perspective.

This dialectic philosophy brings into mind, that to civilly reach a conclusion, one has to consider ideas from others, even it contradicts them.

But then, should we just settle, or learn to detach ourselves from others when views or situations does not serve us purpose. Schopenhauer's concept of human relationships of a "porcupines dilemma", that human beings have that drive to get closer to one another for comfort, survival or personal need until we get our quills too close and prick each other. We begin to distance ourselves from prickly, harmful, disagreeable nature of our contrasting personalities.

So what is next, and why am I writing this...

Going back to my first thoughts that I am on a mission to a new way of seeing life and years-
rather than a cycle, but a linear approach, a trajectory of creating valuable experiences not governed by other peoples' expectations but self fulfilment.

On the other hand, I acknowledge but disregard the porcupine in all of us.
To learn the wisdom of compromise.

Yes, people we have relationships with, can be tricky, hard to maintained and often leads to hurtful situations.
But, the shared space and reciprocal experience from a few, handful but quality relationships makes the porcupine quills ( the pricks, life's slings and arrows)  all but bearable from the people we care and love.

5 minutes

There's something unnerving about the weather. I miss the sun. There's melancholy in the absence of light. The dark mornings, where my eyes refused to open, my body declined to move out of recumbent position, my soul struggles to greet the day.

There's no escape to this. Winter is looming. The trees wither away, painfully letting go of their covers. The birds are nowhere to be seen.

Then goes the people. Their sad look, the lines on their faces are getting heavier, their bodies recluse with misery wrapping themselves up with layers and layers of uncomfortable clothing. They seek refuge in confined spaces to generate heat.

Their isolation, looking out at windows outside of their world. From the tainted glass frames of their cramped spaces to the openings of virtual realities in the palm of their hand.

They look to the outside world, in desolation. They feel helpless as they attempt to connect to another soul with fruitless attempt. The need for contact to another human being...
They speak in unheard tones and intentions, their touch cannot be felt.

There's something unnerving about the weather. But then, that is something I cannot change.
Only my actions can.

Word Count: 199

* This was written uninterrupted 5 minutes as part of the workshop on academic writing.
The task is to write anything - to be in the write mode, keeping the flow and switching off the critical thinker.

THINK Tuesday

I asked my colleagues at the faculty research office yesterday - Monday morning:
" I hope you all don't mind if I tidy up the office, is that OK?"
They all unanimously agreed, with a wisp of laughter in the room.
" Go ahead, it's about time" one of them said.

I got the consensus of 7 out of 9 people that I share the office space with.
I haven't met the other 2 for the past 3 weeks. I don't know if they work at night or weekends, but one of the PhD mentioned there's one of them that likes to feel at "home" in the office.
I wonder what their home looks like if the office is in its current state.

I developed a plan of getting rid of the unused furniture and spare chairs, and transform the common space into a welcoming reception area. It was a dumping ground of faulty electronics, broken book shelves and unloved utensils. There was a " cat lady lives here" mug, and no one in the room wants to admit its theirs.

It was timely when one of my supervisors popped in for a visit, and helped me out to locate some "decent" chairs and a coffee table.

Today, it was all "go" when I got in at 10 am. I began to clean the clutter, put away the- cups, endless supplies of tea bags, jars of decaffeinated coffee and loads of 'past by their sale by date' bottled drinks and packets of soups. It all went happily in the bin, and the rest out of sight in boxes.
It was liberating to clear it all. The view from my workstation was like someone else's exposed cupboard. Definitely not mine as I don't eat soups in a packet.

"If I dedicate myself 5 days a week in this office, at least I have to like what I see, things are in order."

I laughed at myself, as I hope I am not making a negative impression. I fear people would think I have an obsessive compulsive disorder or a controlling personality.
It's just I can be meticulous at certain things.
For the past 8 years, I have maintained an organised well run clinic department in my old workplace.
I have set standards, and I begrudge myself if I let cleanliness and orderliness mislay.

I suppose when we get older, we become less tolerant of situations that doesn't serve our ethos. Especially when it comes to professionalism and our working environments.

As the day went on, conversations flow with everyone (4 of us) present in the room ...

The morning started with affirmations and mindsets. Followed by swingers, and attitudes towards sex. Lunchtime was about Brexit, and afternoon topic was the NHS.

I managed to engage with heated discussions on the politics side of things and opinion of a failing unsustainable healthcare system in the UK.
These conversations were done in between my literature reviews and searching databases.

There were differences in opinion. I felt some of the words I said may have impacted a colleague on a personal level. Especially when personal circumstances or experiences with their family members were mentioned.

I should have known, "Discuss politics in polite company".
I hope my colleague will abide to Thomas Jefferson's quote of " Never consider a difference in opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy as a cause of  withdrawing from a friend." Or withdrawing from a new colleague in my situation.

" All debates are healthy", one of my senior colleague reassured me. I was a bit worried, as sometimes, I can come across of being too opinionated.

As I end my day, the bus journey home gave a me chance to reflect on things...

Firstly, settling in at work requires a sensitive approach to people. In order to have positive working culture, it is important to get a long civilly, professionally and develop understanding of individual personalities and the office dynamics.I need to slow down and take my time to establish trust and working relationships.

Secondly, I need to remind myself of THINK before I speak...

Not all opinions need to be expressed or said, if it will hurt others.

After all, kindness is all that matters in our current world of conflict, increasing differences and widening beliefs.


*Update: Wednesday Morning

My colleague was just as worried, that I might not come in the next day due to yesterdays' debate.

After a morning greeting, followed by a handshake and a hug. All's well ends well.

This made me smile.

Of paradox and oxymoron

It has been a productive week so far. My week diary has been filled. I refrain from using the word "busy". I think people nowadays are "busy bragging "on how busy they are. As if being busy leads to an interesting life or a social status. So I'll refrain from being busy as I am settling in, still in transition phase, but I am slowly finding my routine.

I have met a number of academics and researchers this week. People with varied backgrounds and personalities. People always interest me, I am lovingly observing them during our interactions.

Also, I'm beginning to find my sense of self and belongingness in the university.

I have participated in postgrad researcher skills workshops. It was very much needed as I begin to take practical steps on how to equip myself with the resources and abilities I need to start with my doctoral research.

In summary, these are the highlights of my week...

Monday- Sorry Not Sorry

I have completed Ethics module first thing I got into my work station. The faculty research office was swamped, about five people were in their desks. The conversations were non-stop, and people were coming in and out the door.

I put my headphones on, tried to ignore everyone's business for almost 3 hours. Completed the module and said hello to them after. I apologised if they felt I was ignoring them, actually I was.
I needed to complete the deadline I set to myself.

I suppose it is a British thing, a penchant for pardon. "Sorry" goes too far in The UK, an overused expression. People say sorry about the weather, when they get sick or say sorry on almost everything they can think of to keep the conversation going.

 "My sorry wasn't a compliance of guilt, but a recognition of an inconvenient situation. "

Tuesday- Voice No Voice

I had a full supervisory team meeting. As always, I find it a joy to exchange views and collaborate with my supervisors. Now, I need to complete an essay due in a fortnight. I need to answer my thoughts: "Is there a voice that hasn't been heard, or there's no voice at all."

Wednesday- Paper no Paper

A morning introduction to Sage Methods with exploration of online journals, and an afternoon of further literature review including a trip to the library to borrow old fashioned books.

The challenge now is how to use both resources, and put a system in place for all my references. Although, there's an increasing tendency of accessing the newest materials in the virtual world, I can't let go of holding that piece of knowledge with my bare hands in my physical world. 

" How can they call it paper [online] , when it is not made of wood, grass or leaves?"

Thursday- Searching the researcher within

I had a full day of workshops with the morning session of Effective Researcher- Getting started with research, ended with the afternoon of Strategic Searching for Researchers.

The morning event was more like a follow up of induction, we got to evaluate our individual skills and attributes, further there were advice on strategies adhering to Vitae Researcher Development Framework on how to develop researcher aptitudes and ambitions.

I thoroughly enjoyed the session, I met a group of PhD candidates from different disciplines and we got involved in conversations and group activities. I find some of the research topics interesting- From engaging refugees to theatre drama to the history of drag queens. People are really interesting.

There were two tasks that I think I highlighted my personal strengths and attributes. A self analysis.

Firstly, there were set of photographs in the table and we were asked to chose one that best describe our current PhD journey. I took the "footprint in the sand", and we have to share our photo voice.

I didn't hesitate to recite one of my favourite poems that resonates my current quandary.

Along the lines from the Psalm of Life by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow...

" Lives of great men, all remind us,

  We can make our lives sublime.

  Departing soon leave behind us,

  Footprints in the sands of time...

   Let us then, be up and awake,

   With heart of any fate,

   Still achieving, still pursuing,

   Learn to labour, and to wait. "

A few people in the room approached me and commended that they were impressed, another person said I was eloquent, while an international student remarked " Are you Asian? Why do you speak English so well? "

Secondly, we were divided into four groups to complete an activity of making an air vehicle out of paper and straws powered by a hair dryer. It was a competition on which group can invent this and can move it with the farthest distance.

I was so persistent to win this task. Although, I am rubbish with DIY "Do It Yourself", and no engineering background, I am confident with the use of a hairdryer.

 I didn't give up, I was on the floor with my hands and knees trying to move that paper vehicle outstretching the capacity of the hair dryer. We won out of default as the other team was disqualified.

Regardless, our group won. 

We were asked in the end what we have learned from that activity.

I said : "Communication, alongside collaboration to get things done!"

Friday- End Note is Not the End

A timely way to end my week, with understanding the use of a software called End Note.

A tool to organise and put all my resources as I begin the task of writing.

The librarian compared End Note to a Marmite, either you'll love or hate it. 

I personally think it is more like butter, it adds a layer of flavour to your toast. 

"You can chose to have it, or not." 

Other things happened today include a fire alarm in the university, and everyone was asked to evacuate the building, we have to stand outside in the streets while they investigate the cause of siren reverberating loudly across the halls.

I got to chat to a PhD candidate who is working on a gorilla conservation (Bonobo) in the Democratic Republic of Congo. He wants to save lives of endangered animals in Africa, while we are in a danger of a potential fire.

And one of my supervisors dropped by my office and kindly gave me a book on: How to do Systematic Reviews, a perfect ending of my week, trying to figure out how to put a system in place of otherwise a hazy cloud full of literature and information. 

This sums up my week, of paradox and oxymoron.
This makes a lot of sense.

Ibiza

A hippie approached me when she saw me took time to smell, admire a yellow daisy, plucked and carried the flower around.

She said: "I should also do that, thanks for reminding me..of 'self-love'. We need it in our lives."
She soon found her flower, stuck in her hair, and she drifted, danced her way to the beach...

I got home last night after spending 5 days in Ibiza.
"You should be at the library studying!", a friend remarked after he saw an Instagram post.
I sent him a picture of the book I'm reading...

He laughed and said: "That's still beach bum."

I finished the book. It has some useful information. The emphasis is set on personal responsibility of achieving the work required to get a PhD. It was set in a language of expectations, also knowing where to find support from peer groups, external resources and supervisors.There is an insistence on the topic of 'feeling isolated'. I guess I have to get used to it, continue to stay focus and motivated.

It is very early days, I am sure there will be storms and breakdowns in the next 3 years. I should expect it.

But, I would like to reflect on that conversation by the beach about 'Self-love'.

The Oxford dictionary defined it as "regard for own well-being and happiness", while Justin Beiber wrote a song about a self-centred person should only "love yourself."
In Portrait of Self (2003), C. Sedikides and A.P. Gregg referred it as " a subjective appraisal, can be viewed in a positive or negative way."

From egotism to promoting mental health, whatever the school of thought. I think it is important to give love, time and attention to oneself.
I always believe, we cannot give what we don't have.
We cannot truly love others, if we don't have love within our own self.

After all, Plato's Apology stated: "An unexamined life is not worth living."

My trip to Ibiza is my self -love.
I shouldn't be guilty about it.