I have met a few PhDs in the yoga studio. I am amused by the number of PhDs going to yoga, we just never knew each other. There's no tell tale sign of a PhD look.
No one carries the "I am doing my PhD and I feel like a fraud" sign written all over their faces. Besides, everyone is rushing in before the class, to find their usual spot in the room, placing their yoga mats conveniently with adequate space to begin their stretching routine.
After practice, everyone is sweaty and tired in the hot room, people just avoid eye contact.
Yogis are meant to be calm, mindful and with that quiet collected look. So, nobody really engages in these small conversations.
And where do you find out if someone is doing a PhD?
In the changing room, half naked as people discuss their occupations while drying their toes or their body hair after a quick shower.
Behind the lockers, there's a certain type of honesty, a person is unguarded, open and vulnerable without their worldly covers.
People expose their raw skin, and often times their emotions too.
"It never goes away"...that "Imposter Syndrome." This has been the Wednesday topic with one of the PhDs that evening. He is on his final year, in fact, 2 months exactly until his scholarship money runs out. He told me his recurring thoughts for the past few weeks. I questioned him, as I pointed out his achievements of about to complete his thesis, obtain the "Doctor" title, currently working on a book chapter and a couple of publications under his name. Why does he still feel like a fraud?
"It is me that should feel like a fraud!"
The unworthy one, and this imposter syndrome has been lingering with me again lately.
Like an unwelcomed visitor, the impostorism is at it. Creeping into my sheets before bed at night and the presence comes back in full force when I turned on my computer in the morning.
We both discussed our coping techniques and the strategies to overcome this.
He also told me of how he reminds himself of a quote from T.S. Elliot...
Something to reflect on, as we tend to lean with our emotions.
We agreed that sometimes just embracing this feeling and accepting the challenges of the present situation can be the first step of how to tackle this.
The very reason why we are doing a PhD... to achieve something beyond us, beyond our heights, pursuing and learning along the way.
We also both recognised being kind to ourselves can be a good reminder. Hastening the chattering thoughts we tell ourselves as we relentlessly question our capabilities, softening the cruel words we describe ourselves. It seems we can be too critical, believing that we could always do better. He also said, "imagine if what you are telling yourself you outspokenly said it to me, that's not very nice isn't? and more like bullying."
We talked for few more minutes, and by talking it out, we both agree it definitely feels better.
Talking therapy as they say, just vent it out, say it how you feel it, do not hold in to, and let go.
Similar to yoga, the more you hold on into something, the more it wont serve you...
Breathe it out.
Further, he showed me his journal where he scribbled his thoughts of that day, more like a reflection diary. I skimmed through the pages, not prying too much as I think it is too personal.
He has a nice handwriting, very legible.
I saw some days of achievements, of days not going well, of gratefulness and of hopes, some in bullet form, some in full sentences, mostly a cluster of words.
I think I should do that too. I know the purpose of this blog is quite similar, but I need to capture those thoughts at the time, in its unadulterated moment, thoughts in raw naked form.
We thanked each other for the time and eventually bid goodbye.
After all, by the time we finished talking we are fully dressed.
We need to resume to the lives that we wear.
I then realised, there are certain emotions, and feelings that never goes away...
Rather than dismiss or get too overwhelmed by it, leaning into it and being mindful of what is happening can be helpful.
Also, talking it out makes a big difference.
In the changing rooms...
making connections, understanding and sharing these unique experiences...
Of not just the stretch and postures of yoga, but our emotional PhD journey as well.
No one carries the "I am doing my PhD and I feel like a fraud" sign written all over their faces. Besides, everyone is rushing in before the class, to find their usual spot in the room, placing their yoga mats conveniently with adequate space to begin their stretching routine.
After practice, everyone is sweaty and tired in the hot room, people just avoid eye contact.
Yogis are meant to be calm, mindful and with that quiet collected look. So, nobody really engages in these small conversations.
And where do you find out if someone is doing a PhD?
In the changing room, half naked as people discuss their occupations while drying their toes or their body hair after a quick shower.
Behind the lockers, there's a certain type of honesty, a person is unguarded, open and vulnerable without their worldly covers.
People expose their raw skin, and often times their emotions too.
"It never goes away"...that "Imposter Syndrome." This has been the Wednesday topic with one of the PhDs that evening. He is on his final year, in fact, 2 months exactly until his scholarship money runs out. He told me his recurring thoughts for the past few weeks. I questioned him, as I pointed out his achievements of about to complete his thesis, obtain the "Doctor" title, currently working on a book chapter and a couple of publications under his name. Why does he still feel like a fraud?
"It is me that should feel like a fraud!"
The unworthy one, and this imposter syndrome has been lingering with me again lately.
Like an unwelcomed visitor, the impostorism is at it. Creeping into my sheets before bed at night and the presence comes back in full force when I turned on my computer in the morning.
We both discussed our coping techniques and the strategies to overcome this.
He also told me of how he reminds himself of a quote from T.S. Elliot...
We agreed that sometimes just embracing this feeling and accepting the challenges of the present situation can be the first step of how to tackle this.
The very reason why we are doing a PhD... to achieve something beyond us, beyond our heights, pursuing and learning along the way.
We also both recognised being kind to ourselves can be a good reminder. Hastening the chattering thoughts we tell ourselves as we relentlessly question our capabilities, softening the cruel words we describe ourselves. It seems we can be too critical, believing that we could always do better. He also said, "imagine if what you are telling yourself you outspokenly said it to me, that's not very nice isn't? and more like bullying."
We talked for few more minutes, and by talking it out, we both agree it definitely feels better.
Talking therapy as they say, just vent it out, say it how you feel it, do not hold in to, and let go.
Similar to yoga, the more you hold on into something, the more it wont serve you...
Breathe it out.
Further, he showed me his journal where he scribbled his thoughts of that day, more like a reflection diary. I skimmed through the pages, not prying too much as I think it is too personal.
He has a nice handwriting, very legible.
I saw some days of achievements, of days not going well, of gratefulness and of hopes, some in bullet form, some in full sentences, mostly a cluster of words.
I think I should do that too. I know the purpose of this blog is quite similar, but I need to capture those thoughts at the time, in its unadulterated moment, thoughts in raw naked form.
We thanked each other for the time and eventually bid goodbye.
After all, by the time we finished talking we are fully dressed.
We need to resume to the lives that we wear.
I then realised, there are certain emotions, and feelings that never goes away...
Rather than dismiss or get too overwhelmed by it, leaning into it and being mindful of what is happening can be helpful.
Also, talking it out makes a big difference.
In the changing rooms...
making connections, understanding and sharing these unique experiences...
Of not just the stretch and postures of yoga, but our emotional PhD journey as well.
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